Weigh In Wednesday: I’m Having a Bad Day

Weigh-in Wednesday!Let me just start off by saying that I know this post is way too long. If you read through to the end, I am truly grateful to you for the time you’ve given me. I needed to vent (a lot!) today. I’ve written some thing that are embarrassing to me and I don’t often admit, and your support is greatly appreciated.

So, I’m so fed up with myself. I gained weight this week, and it is all my fault. I overindulged four days, I skipped a run day on my first week of 5k training, and I took three rest days. Duh, I gained weight! And beyond the weight, I already slacked off on my first week of training!? Where the heck is my commitment at?

In an act of desperation, I made sure I worked out and ate hardly anything the last two days to try to at least maintain the weight I lost last week, but clearly that didn’t work. I guess it did save me from gaining the two or more pounds that I rightfully should have gained after all the screwing up I did.

And I know, you all are probably thinking, it’s only a half a pound! But I keep doing this over, and over, and over again! One week is good… I lose, the next week (or two, or three) is bad… I gain. I’m simply maintaining, not losing. I’m about 20 lbs above my “normal” weight range. I am overweight, and I don’t want to be! In a little over 19 weeks, I’ve lost a mere 9.5 lbs, and most of that I lost in the first month. In fact, looking back at my weight logs just now, I have basically been staying in the 160s for an entire year now. I weighed 173 lbs just that once, and it is the only reason why I have lost that much weight this year.

I am done. I am so done with myself! Why am I so incredibly stupid? Why do I keep messing up more often than not when I am not happy with myself? Why do I continue on this vicious cycle? Why do I so easily forget that it works only if you work it!?! I know that first hand because I have done it before! Why can’t I get that again?

I have a bridesmaid dress that is a size too small for me, and I am going to feel like a massive failure if I have to get it taken out because I cannot seem to commit to this. And add insult to injury by being immortalized in wedding pictures to remind myself that I can’t stick to something anymore. I was confident back in March that I could lose at least 20 lbs by September, and I’d have to get that dress taken in. Now I’m not sure I can lose even 10 lbs by the wedding, and I still won’t like how I look even if I do.

I hate what I look like in the mirror. I hate that when I put my pants on, standing up they fit just fine, but sitting at work, they dig into my bulging belly and are so uncomfortable that all I want to do is unbutton them. I hate that I have undone most of the hard work I put in almost three years ago now and haven’t been able to get back to that person since then. Where the hell did she go?!?!

I’m not happy today. Not at all. Not to mention I woke up late because I set my alarm for evening, so my plans to do workouts in the morning has once again been thwarted. And then I managed to ruin one of the three shirts I own that actually fit me that are suitable for work. My collection is limited due to all this damn weight I gained back and all the money I don’t have. Another wonderful reminder of my current stressful situations.

So, this day has started out with disappointments and reminders of the difficulties I am facing in many respects. It’s just a bad day. I’m holding back tears. But I’m hoping all of this negative energy will fuel a true commitment to doing what I know works every single week. I have seven weeks until this wedding weekend, and I need to make every one count. I know how to do this without being perfect! The problem is that I am being imperfect more often than not, and that doesn’t work.

I feel ashamed and frustrated that I cannot step out of this cycle. Either I have to accept being overweight, or I have to change my behavior. Excepting being overweight is quite difficult because; 1) My doctor wants me to be in a healthy weight range because of my and my family’s weight-related health issues; 2) My mother has diabetes and other health issues, and she struggles with not losing weight even though she walks 4 miles a day and eats healthy, and she is constantly on me about needing to get in a healthy range so I don’t end up like her; 3) My body fat percentage is still wildly high and that is not healthy; and 4) I don’t like the way I look at this weight, and I know it stems from societal and family pressure to be smaller, but it’s still a fact.  So, accepting being overweight appears to not really be an option. I need to change my mindset.

Before I was ever successful on Weight Watchers, I bought a book called The Beck Diet Solution. It’s about changing your thinking so that you can be successful at losing weight and being healthier. I actually never finished it. It’s sitting there on my bookshelf, along with the rest of my half-read books, and I keep noticing it there. Maybe this is the key to changing my behavior and getting back to the girl I once was. The girl who had less excuses, who allowed herself to be imperfect in a controlled manner, and who even managed to stay in the healthy weight range for over a year.

Height: 5′ 4″
Highest Weight: 201.1 lbs (6/1/2011)
Current Weight: 163.5 lbs
Change Since Last Weigh In: +0.5 lbs
Total Lost This Year: -9.5 lbs (since 3/23/2015)
All Time Total Lost: -37.6 lbs (since 6/1/2011)
(you can see my entire weight loss log here.)

  1. Anna, 05 August, 2015

    Wishing I could come up with something that would make you feel better, but all I can say is I have totally been there (and maybe still am). This is so stinkin’ hard, but you are absolutely worth the effort. It to read you asking why you are so stupid….I have called myself stupid so many times. But the fact is we are not stupid we are just amazing women trying to better our lives and we aren’t going to see success every day. Hang in there :)

  2. Tas, 05 August, 2015

    It sounds like you have diet fatigue. I have been there before, especially with Weight Watchers. Would you ever consider taking a break and giving yourself a month off from counting calories/points, exercising for weight loss/calorie burn, and all the mental exhaustion that goes with it? You can use the time “off” to focus on other elements of self care: good sleep, long walks, regular portions of healthy foods you enjoy? After a month you can revisit your weight loss strategy and figure out what works and what doesn’t. When you get back into it, you can start small: no snacking after a certain time, no alcohol X number of days a week, a “set” daily breakfast that you know is healthy and will start your day off right. Just small, tiny things that will accumulate over time until you feel healthier overall and good about yourself again.

    It might be worth a shot! Regardless of what you decide, everyone has been there and you will figure it out. :o)

  3. DivaonaDiet, 05 August, 2015

    Hi Tas. Thanks for the advice! The problem is I have taken too many “breaks” over the last almost three years because I was sick of thinking about it and tracking and it doesn’t go well. In fact, I just took about a month off from doing any counting or any working out back in June/July, where I was fortunate to only gain 0.7 lbs, but since then I have been struggling. With a 5K and this wedding in just 6 and 7 weeks, I need to train and I need to fit in that dress! I realized too that my biggest problem right now is saying “It’s the weekend!” and going off the deep end all 3 days! I used to allow for controlled splurges on the weekends, and that is something I need to get back to!

  4. DivaonaDiet, 05 August, 2015

    Absolutely right, Anna! Realistically, I keep up this pattern, and I never completely give up, then I am still better off than I was when I was obese. I am doing more than many other people, and we should be proud of that! :)

  5. Raymonde, 05 August, 2015

    You just have written my state of mind, my struggle, my day. Actually thank you for this, it means I’m not alone to feel that way but also you are not alone and i feel with you. Through your post I keep reading that you are not ready to give up and that’s good. I would say let the tears go, and take a step in the healthy direction.
    I’m curious on your thoughts on the Beck’ss book. Believe it or not but I also have it on my book shelve.
    Lots of good thoughts.

  6. DivaonaDiet, 05 August, 2015

    Yes, Raymonde, there is something to be said about not feeling alone in this struggle. Perhaps that is why I just let it all out! I am definitely not ready to give up though! Doing something is better than nothing, right? I will let you know about the Beck book. Hopefully I will get through the whole thing this time! :)

  7. Less, 05 August, 2015

    Awe! I feel you girl. It is stressful enough trying to lose weight, but add in a wedding and it’s too much. I’m sure you will look beautiful in your dress no matter what. Changing your thinking is the hardest part. Hope you can figure it out again. I know i sure need to.
    Less recently posted..Two Steps Forward, One Step BackMy Profile

  8. Trina, 05 August, 2015

    I completely understand as I am in the same situation. We have an employee assistance program through work, and I have started counseling sessions on breaking the cycle of lose, gain, lose, gain. I to am with WW, lost a significant amount of weight, gained half back and am now having problems getting jumpstarted again. Keep trying girl!!

  9. Winter Benson, 05 August, 2015

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so frustrated. I have been there, and it’s not a nice place to be. Have you considered joining group based challenges on Facebook? I’ve got a 21 Day Fix and a Cize one going this month. It’s a thought.

    Write yourself a short term goal, for the next week, and a reward. NOT food. Short term, and achievable. You got this girl!
    Winter Benson recently posted..Weigh in WednesdayMy Profile

  10. Cassi, 06 August, 2015

    *HUGS* You can do this! Obviously that book wasn’t the one for you (I too have issues keeping interested in non-fiction books). Have you checked out BodyPEACE? It sounds like what you need right now to love yourself again.
    Cassi recently posted..Super Heroine Fitness Week 2My Profile

  11. Des @ Finding the Skinny Geek Within, 06 August, 2015

    So sorry hun! It is so so hard. Just remember (I know.. so cliche..) but today is a new day. Take things one day at a time.
    Des @ Finding the Skinny Geek Within recently posted..Weigh In WednesdayMy Profile

  12. Robin, 06 August, 2015

    The foods we eat are addictive, plain and simple. I have done so much research on nutrition and it’s no surprise that the chemical laden foods we eat have us doing things we logically know are bad decisions (as with any addiction). I was so sick of craving, so sick of my body, so sick of thinking about food 24/7, that I made a drastic commitment to avoid all grains and processed foods (I’m mainly Paleo). Oh, the growing pains were bad! I fought through and sure enough, the cravings are gone. I am not starving after every meal like I was on weight watchers. Don’t get me wrong, WW allowed me to get to my goal weight (I lost almost 100 lbs), but I was starving and craving and moody all the time. This works better for me. No more battles…I don’t want to be mind controlled by my breakfast. I truly wish you the best. You will find what works best for you! It’s clear how bad you want this and that is step 1.

  13. Laura, 06 August, 2015

    Did you somehow take my thoughts and put them on paper?

    This is EXACTLY how I feel and what goes through my mind. It’s like I either accept being overweight or I do something about it. I don’t want to be overweight, but my actions don’t do anything to illustrate my desire to be healthy.

    I haven’t given up yet and I don’t plan to, but I really need to get my act together. I’m turning 33 in January and I’ve already wasted enough of my life being overweight and unhappy about what I look like and how I feel!
    Laura recently posted..Rocksbox Jewelry Subscription – AugustMy Profile

  14. Jennifer, 08 August, 2015

    I feel like I was reading my story! I get your frustration so much. I too lost my weight on weight watchers many years back (like 5 years), made lifetime and I maintained for quite some time….however I always seemed to gain about 10 back and whenever I would hit 150 it would put me in a high motivation range and I would lose most of it (get close to 140….the high end of my goal) before I started being lazy again and the cycle would start over. However for the last 5 years I could always depend on that weight of 150 to give me the kick in the pants I needed. Well for some reason late last year I was doing great and on track to being back at goal…real close to 140 (like 142) when I started slacking off. Since then I have seen 150 come and go and 160 appear….it frustrates me but the motivation just isn’t there! I just don’t get it. Every once in a while I get semi motivated and plan to restart but it doesn’t even last a day. it sucks!!! I am approaching 165 and I know 172.2 is right around the corner! (my biggest) That used to scare the crap out of me and for some reason it just isn’t scaring me the way it used to. So here I am online trying to find recipes and ideas to get me excited!!!

  15. Jennifer, 08 August, 2015

    btw I have only ever hit goal weight once and have never made it back….close but never there

  16. Deb, 08 August, 2015

    I would check out The Hunger Fix by Pamela Peeke. She talks about food addiction in there and compares it to someone that has an alcohol/drug problem. Listening to it on audiobook has given me a fresh perspective. If you are into podcasts at all, The Chalene Show (by Chalene Johnson of BeachBody/TurboJam fame), has a lot of really great podcasts that also address a lot of the issues that you are having. Please don’t give up and accept that you will be overweight forever. You just have to find something that works for you to encourage you to keep on keepin’ on.

    Good luck!
    Deb recently posted..Do It AnywayMy Profile

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