Let me just start off by saying that I know this post is way too long. If you read through to the end, I am truly grateful to you for the time you’ve given me. I needed to vent (a lot!) today. I’ve written some thing that are embarrassing to me and I don’t often admit, and your support is greatly appreciated.
So, I’m so fed up with myself. I gained weight this week, and it is all my fault. I overindulged four days, I skipped a run day on my first week of 5k training, and I took three rest days. Duh, I gained weight! And beyond the weight, I already slacked off on my first week of training!? Where the heck is my commitment at?
In an act of desperation, I made sure I worked out and ate hardly anything the last two days to try to at least maintain the weight I lost last week, but clearly that didn’t work. I guess it did save me from gaining the two or more pounds that I rightfully should have gained after all the screwing up I did.
And I know, you all are probably thinking, it’s only a half a pound! But I keep doing this over, and over, and over again! One week is good… I lose, the next week (or two, or three) is bad… I gain. I’m simply maintaining, not losing. I’m about 20 lbs above my “normal” weight range. I am overweight, and I don’t want to be! In a little over 19 weeks, I’ve lost a mere 9.5 lbs, and most of that I lost in the first month. In fact, looking back at my weight logs just now, I have basically been staying in the 160s for an entire year now. I weighed 173 lbs just that once, and it is the only reason why I have lost that much weight this year.
I am done. I am so done with myself! Why am I so incredibly stupid? Why do I keep messing up more often than not when I am not happy with myself? Why do I continue on this vicious cycle? Why do I so easily forget that it works only if you work it!?! I know that first hand because I have done it before! Why can’t I get that again?
I have a bridesmaid dress that is a size too small for me, and I am going to feel like a massive failure if I have to get it taken out because I cannot seem to commit to this. And add insult to injury by being immortalized in wedding pictures to remind myself that I can’t stick to something anymore. I was confident back in March that I could lose at least 20 lbs by September, and I’d have to get that dress taken in. Now I’m not sure I can lose even 10 lbs by the wedding, and I still won’t like how I look even if I do.
I hate what I look like in the mirror. I hate that when I put my pants on, standing up they fit just fine, but sitting at work, they dig into my bulging belly and are so uncomfortable that all I want to do is unbutton them. I hate that I have undone most of the hard work I put in almost three years ago now and haven’t been able to get back to that person since then. Where the hell did she go?!?!
I’m not happy today. Not at all. Not to mention I woke up late because I set my alarm for evening, so my plans to do workouts in the morning has once again been thwarted. And then I managed to ruin one of the three shirts I own that actually fit me that are suitable for work. My collection is limited due to all this damn weight I gained back and all the money I don’t have. Another wonderful reminder of my current stressful situations.
So, this day has started out with disappointments and reminders of the difficulties I am facing in many respects. It’s just a bad day. I’m holding back tears. But I’m hoping all of this negative energy will fuel a true commitment to doing what I know works every single week. I have seven weeks until this wedding weekend, and I need to make every one count. I know how to do this without being perfect! The problem is that I am being imperfect more often than not, and that doesn’t work.
I feel ashamed and frustrated that I cannot step out of this cycle. Either I have to accept being overweight, or I have to change my behavior. Excepting being overweight is quite difficult because; 1) My doctor wants me to be in a healthy weight range because of my and my family’s weight-related health issues; 2) My mother has diabetes and other health issues, and she struggles with not losing weight even though she walks 4 miles a day and eats healthy, and she is constantly on me about needing to get in a healthy range so I don’t end up like her; 3) My body fat percentage is still wildly high and that is not healthy; and 4) I don’t like the way I look at this weight, and I know it stems from societal and family pressure to be smaller, but it’s still a fact. So, accepting being overweight appears to not really be an option. I need to change my mindset.
Before I was ever successful on Weight Watchers, I bought a book called The Beck Diet Solution. It’s about changing your thinking so that you can be successful at losing weight and being healthier. I actually never finished it. It’s sitting there on my bookshelf, along with the rest of my half-read books, and I keep noticing it there. Maybe this is the key to changing my behavior and getting back to the girl I once was. The girl who had less excuses, who allowed herself to be imperfect in a controlled manner, and who even managed to stay in the healthy weight range for over a year.
Height: 5′ 4″
Highest Weight: 201.1 lbs (6/1/2011)
Current Weight: 163.5 lbs
Change Since Last Weigh In: +0.5 lbs
Total Lost This Year: -9.5 lbs (since 3/23/2015)
All Time Total Lost: -37.6 lbs (since 6/1/2011)
(you can see my entire weight loss log here.)