Is this really happening? Am I on the road to gaining it all back again or is this just another really long bump in the road on my journey? I’m 13.3 lbs up from goal now. I haven’t weighed over 138 lbs since June 27, 2012. One would think I would be upset, and normally I would be bitching up a storm.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not happy about this at all really, but I am strangely positive about the situation. Why?
#1: Because I am still in a healthy weight range, so it is not the end of the world.
#2: Because I have never been perfect, and I never will be, and these things will likely continue to happen, and I have to accept that.
#3: Because it’s a chance for me to learn and grow (hopefully smaller! LOL).
#4: Because I have proven to myself that I am strong and resilient, and therefore I have to stay positive and believe that I am not going to gain it all back.
So in order to learn from this, I’ve had to think about what’s really happening…
Changing Life Focus
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I was so focused for so many months on losing this weight, that I think I needed a break from that focus. My focus shifted to my job, my friends, going on vacations, and being more social. Those things continue to take priority, but obviously the focus has shifted too far. I’m falling into old habits, and I need to learn to balance it because friends, career and vacations are an important part of life too!
Along those same lines, I started dating “the boy” in mid-February, making me even more social, and of course I am eating more things that are out of my control. I’ll be honest, I think a key to my successful weight loss was that I was single. I measured and weighed everything I made, I didn’t eat out that often, and I didn’t have someone else tempting me with what they wanted to eat or having to take into consideration anyone else’s food likes or dislikes. The good thing is that “the boy” actually eats healthy most of the time, eats way less than me, and works out more than me. He is completely supportive of my wanting to eat healthy and workout, but he doesn’t quite get the problems I have. He likes to work out, and I don’t. He doesn’t like rich, buttery, creamy (you get the picture!) foods or overeat, and I do. He’s never been obese, and I have. I’ve had a fear that maintenance would become more difficult once I got in a relationship. Not to mention, I haven’t really dated much in 7 years, so I am no good at it, I take everything to heart, and sometimes find myself with my old fat girl self-esteem, which has led to several emotional eating and drinking crises along the way! But I’m healthy and beautiful, and I want to share my life with someone, so I have to learn to balance it as well.
Work Out Routine
So all that being said, I have not been working out as much as I should for several months now. Luckily “the boy” is active and we go to festivals and finally ran a 5k, but it seems that I spend the rest of the week on a downhill slope of not wanting to do anything. I can sit around and do nothing all day still, but I do hate myself for being less active, and I think my body hurts more when I’m not! I am just going to have to work on that balance and fit it back into my schedule. I want to run more routinely, so I am thinking about aiming for 3 times a week, whatever mileage I can get in. And I felt I needed a change up and wanted to include more strength training, so as I mentioned before, I still intend to challenge myself to 6 days a week for 4 weeks of Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30. Hopefully that will happen after my two weekend vacays this month! I also don’t want to push myself too hard and overdo anything and get injured or frustrated! I have to remember I’m not gonna be perfect either!
Tracking and Eating Plan
And also, I have hardly tracked any food for several months now. I’m out of a routine. But maybe this is where I am stuck in a rut. Maybe this is where I need to change my plan up. Maybe I need to not do Weight Watchers for a while? Gasp! I know. Sounds weird to say that because I believe in it so much. But maybe I need to switch it up and do a different plan like Clean Eating, Paleo (because that’s mostly what “the boy” does)… is that Whole30?, Low Carb (which I used to do and my parents still do), or meal delivery (so I don’t have to think about what to make!). Even so, I can’t do these programs hardcore 7 days a week. I will have cheat days, just like I do now (except in Weight Watchers it’s not called cheating, it’s called using your weekly points!) I know you can work these into Weight Watchers, but maybe I am just sick of tracking points! I haven’t made up my mind yet. And I did start tracking my food already this week. It quite honestly just may be that I have to track my food in order to stay on top of this no matter what my eating lifestyle is, and I just have to accept that and make it habit again.
Maintainable Goal Weight?
Maybe maintaining a goal weight of 125 lbs is unrealistic for me? Maybe if I didn’t like to eat out, drink wine/beer/cocktails, and going out in general? Maybe if I loved working out and wanted to be in the gym 2 hours a day to make up for it? Maybe if I was hardcore dedicated to eating right all the time and actually focused on looking like Jillian Michaels? But that’s clearly not who I am. And I know that my genes play a part in this too. I do often have unrealistic expectations that I could look like all those skinny girls in bikinis in the magazines. Well, I suppose I could. Again, if I was that determined. It appears I’m not! And that’s not what is important. What’s important is my health and being in a healthy weight range. But it’s always an internal mental struggle for me to not want to look better naked. I am a girl after all!
Medication Side Effects
Lastly, I did have to go back on my blood pressure medication, specifically beta blockers, three months ago. I was actually crushed because I felt like I had worked so hard, yet I was still “unhealthy.” My doctor did warn me that it may not just be my weight, but that it’s just the way my body is. She also told me that losing the weight definitely did help lower it, and let’s face it, losing the weight was necessary to keep my heart healthy. I still hate that I have to take it. On the plus side, it controls my anxiety and keeps me from getting super red and blotchy when I get nervous. On the down side, it makes me kinda tired, and I am struggling with getting enough sleep and not having the energy to workout as much as I should while keeping up with my social life. I have to take the medication, so I have to work on making sure I am getting sleep, yet pressing through being tired when I need to workout. In fact, I may have more energy if I am more consistent with it!
Now one would think that after reflecting on all this and gaining this weight back that I would go balls to the wall tracking everything, eating perfectly healthy, cutting out all alcohol and sugar and fat and carbs, and working out 7 days a week, right? Well, true to form, I still haven’t become perfect. I have happy hour tonight. I have a beer festival on Saturday. So having a perfect week is not gonna happen. I’ll try to track everything, and try my best to eat healthy most of the week, but I don’t want to put my life on hold anymore for the sole purpose of losing weight. I have missed out on so much in life for so many years when I was fat and unhealthy, I don’t want to do that now!
So what do you think? Do I change my goal weight? Do I stop focusing on the scale? Do I need to drop everything and go hardcore? Do I need to change up my eating plan?
Weight: 138.3 lbs
Change this week: +4.4 lbs
Total lost: -62.8 lbs
You can also check out my entire weight log here ;)