It’s time. It’s time for me to stop messing around. It’s time for me to reign it in!
If you haven’t noticed, I sort of checked out again. I have hardly tweeted. I definitely haven’t blogged. It’s been like two months. (So much for a Weekly Weigh In, eh?) Ok, so partly it is because things got much busier for me in my work and personal life, but I also think I sort of checked out of everything related to my journey. And to be quite honest, I think I might have needed a break.
I gave myself permission to let loose. I gave myself permission to not care. I gave myself permission to not workout and not wear my ActiveLink. Countless times I have let anything be an excuse again… being sick, my birthday, being too busy, being stressed out, being on vacation, the weather, free food at work that will go to waste, and just plain being sick of focusing so much on my weight and what I am eating and how much I am exercising!
Let’s face it. I’m still a fat girl inside. I still just want to sit on the couch and eat a bag of potato chips. And I HATE that about myself. I have binge eaten more time in the last two months than I would like to admit. And that typically resulted in moments of screaming at myself in the mirror about how disgusting I was. Why do we do that? Surely I am not alone.
As I berate myself here, I have to give myself some sort of credit, I suppose. I found moments of will power and caring. There were weeks I started trying to track my food again. Not every meal was a blowout binge-fest. I even ran a few times. And I have been fairly active on the weekends going to festivals and walking around. I could have easily gained 20 lbs in two months, but I’m only 7.7 lbs up from goal.
So now you are thinking, “What the hell is she so worried about? That’s nothing compared to the over 60 lbs of weight you’ve still lost!” You’re right. And thank you! But it’s the fear of a possible slow downward spiral to where I used to be. And it’s also what the weigh-ins don’t tell you… My body fat percentage. I don’t know how accurate that measurement is on my scale, but I was averaging around 24-25% body fat for quite a while now. I wanted to get it even lower. I had goals of getting this body bikini-ready, but with all this craziness, it was 29% today!
I can’t even tell you the last time I saw that! Well, from the chart above from my Withings Scale app, I’d say sometime last year! And I can actually see how out of shape and less muscular I have gotten. So instead of working toward that goal, I went in the complete opposite direction! Why do we do that? Surely I am not alone here either.
What’s even more crazy is that during all of these weeks of slacking off, my official Success Story posted on the Weight Watchers website in March! How exciting, right?!? In fact, it’s featured again on the main Weight Watchers website when you log in as a member again this week! (——>)
And then in April, I started popping up in Weight Watchers Online advertisements on the internet! (<——) One would think that both of these would make me get back with the program, but it was almost like, “oh my god, now the pressure’s really on!” And again, I went the opposite way. And I think I sort of retreated even more. But now I think the world is trying to give me a sign! At a time when others are thanking me for being so inspiring, I was not even following my own advice!
The journey just doesn’t end when you reach goal. Trust that I know I am in a better place now than I was before, but maintaining is damn hard! I feel guilty for bitching about 7.7 lbs when others have so much more to go. My apologies. I do remember being there and thinking it would never happen, but it did. And I definitely haven’t gained it all back. But I do know it’s a slippery slope, and that’s why I get scared. I don’t want to be back to over 200 lbs. I also sort of think I expect more of myself now than before, and that can apparently backfire.
Now here’s hoping that this break is actually over and I can get back on track! It’s not going to be easy! I have a camping trip this weekend and an out of town bachelorette party next weekend, and my social calendar is already stacking up for the month of May! And work is still stressing me out! I’m gonna need a lot of strength and a lot of support from you! I do know that I won’t be perfect though. I meant what I said in my success story: “I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to keep trying.”
So it’s time to try. It’s time to get back to tracking my food every day. It’s time to get back to eating less processed foods. It’s time to do #PlankADay again. It’s time to get back to using fitbolt at work. It’s time to wear my ActiveLink again and achieve my daily goal. It’s time to remember why I like running so much. It’s time to start taking my own advice again. It’s time to start inspiring myself. It’s time to be happy with myself again.
P.S. You can also check out my entire weight log here, and then you’ll see just how many times I got back up, and kept on trying.