It’s January 23. What happened? Where’s my motivation? Where’s my mojo? Two weeks ago I declared my January 1st started on the 7th, and it sounded like I was all back on track. You didn’t hear from me last week because my laptop died! But I ended up 6 points over for the week and managed to lose 0.4 lbs. I got lucky, as I was not happy with how I managed my week.
So I started out this week great, tracking and planning and trying to work out and then, bam, I was over it. I overate and over-drank Thursday night. When I saw that I had already used all my weekly points and most of my activity points, and knew I had plans for drinking beer and eating bar food on Sunday for the NFC Championship, I just gave up. I could have earned more activity points. I could have limited myself much more at the bar. (Ok, it did not help that my Falcons lost!) But I just didn’t want to. I overate, over-drank, stopped tracking, and didn’t run for just about the rest of the week. I did that whole, “I’ll start again next week” thing. I completely deserve a gain. In fact, I deserve more than 1.7 lbs really.
You see, I am really struggling this month. (Make that the last two months!) It appears from my random twitter complaints about not being able to get it together, that I am still not alone! There is safety in numbers, but eventually I have to break away from the pack, or I will be on a quick path to being that unhealthy 200 lb girl again.
But alas, I am still tired. I am tired of always trying to fit in activity, I am tired of measuring all my food, I am tired of counting points, I am tired of trying to eat more whole foods because it takes more time to actually plan, shop and cook, and I am tired of turning away foods every day that I just can’t fit in my “budget” for the week. Trust that I have never eaten perfectly or turned down every splurgy food throughout this process, but yes, there is still a lot of saying “no thanks” to cake. Sadly, I really do just want to sit on my butt and do nothing. I am just sort of sick and tired of focusing on all this. Do others feel like this? At times this attitude scares me… that I might be setting myself up to be that lazy fat girl again.
Then again, I’m thinking no. No matter how crapy I am doing this month, it could be so much worse. I didn’t order a whole pizza and eat it by myself like I wanted to… just about every day, I wanted to! I think I really do eat less than I used to, but I just don’t realize it. Fortunately, I still try to be good most days, and I have that to thank for not having gained a ton of weight back. I’m thinking I am just figuring out how to maintain without going insane! And it’s post-holiday. And it’s cold! Soooo not helping the activity situation.
I am also focusing a lot on the fact that I haven’t been able to stay within 2 lbs of my goal weight. I feel like a failure. Even though my face is in a commercial showing how successful I am, even though as of today I’ve still lost 71.9 lbs, I don’t feel like I am. Maybe Weight Watchers’ definition of maintenance (within 2 lbs of goal) isn’t going to work for me. Because I have been within 5 lbs of my goal since August 22nd (except for one week). I didn’t actually hit goal until November 14th, and I have been within 5 lbs of it since then, even though I have been struggling. Maybe for my mental state (i.e. I still like wine and greasy burgers and I’m still not totally in love with fitness), my goal weight is unrealistic? And maybe my body’s “set point” weight is where I am at now?
However, maybe keeping this goal weight will help keep me where I am now. As in, always trying to attain it will keep me from gaining more than 5 lbs from it. It’s worked so far. I might just have to get over the fact that I may never hit that goal weight again, and that would be okay. Maybe I will never get to be on maintenance daily points and just keep going with weight loss daily points. Maybe my maintenance is staying within 5 lbs of goal. I’m still in a healthy weight range, and regardless how I feel about the appearance of my body, it’s really my health that matters. And after the last few days of doing bad, my blood pressure was way up. So that is what I have to remember. This isn’t for a rockin’ body, this is for a longer heart-attack free life.
It seems I am also comparing myself to how I was doing last January. I had just re-dedicated myself to the Weight Watchers plan in December, and I was pretty motivated in January. What I do have to remember is that it was early on in my re-commitment. And even though I was motivated, I still didn’t lose very much weight in January. This month is just tough. I need to accept that. And I need to stop comparing myself to others… including my own self!
So, where’s my motivation? It’s somewhere. I don’t think I’ve completely lost it. I am motivated to make today a good day. And I’ll just try to keep doing that each day! I have to remember that I have still lost over 70 freaking pounds! I have to remember that I am still a success. I have to remember that I am only human, and I will continue to make mistakes, but I will always get back up and try again. And I have to remember my health.
And this post ended up being so much longer than intended, as usual! I can get a bit wordy, so thanks if you read to the end. I needed to get it all out. And I just want to thank all my twitter friends for all there words of encouragement. I’ve tweeted my frustrations, and wow. it’s nice to have a “virtual weight watchers meeting” when you need one!
Here’s to finding motivation!
Weight: 129.2 lbs
Change this week: +1.7 lbs
Total lost: -71.9 lbs
You can also check out my entire weight log here ;)