A Cry For Help

I just weighed myself after almost two months of ignoring the scale.  I am mortified.

Not only that, I took a look back, and I’ve now gained 20 pounds over the last year. Add that to the 20 pounds I had already gained back. I’ve officially gained over half the weight back. I checked my BMI, and I am a mere 2 pounds away from being back in the obese category again. My “after” picture is now a complete lie.

What the hell has happened to me?!? I’ve been a broken damn record! It’s the same thing in every post! I have been struggling now for a year and a half! I did it once, so why am I am having such a hard time?!?

I hate the person I see in the mirror, not only because of what I look like, but because I have destroyed what I had worked so hard for, and I am an inspiration to no one… a failure, yet I continue to do this to myself! I have gone through some seriously horrible times, and some good times, in the last year and a half, and I have used every damn excuse in the book regardless of if things were good or bad!

Enough. This has to be enough! I cannot do this to myself anymore. Please god, let this be my breaking point. Let this be the time that switch flips back in my brain, and I do what I know I can do again!

Give me strength.

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Weigh In Wednesday: Confession

Weigh In WednesdayConfession time. After being on track the whole week before and losing only 0.2 lbs, and then waking up on Thursday only to find that I had even gained that 0.2 lbs back, I lost it! I gave up. For the trillionth time. We were going to the mountains for the weekend, and by the end of the day Thursday, I said “Eff it. It’s a vacation. I’m eating what I want starting now.” I did just that, and I stopped tracking the whole rest of the week.

It’s only week 2 of, well, what was supposed to be me getting back on track, but I gave up completely for 6 out of 7 days! I know that being pissed that I hadn’t lost weight when I did track and being on vacation was no excuse. But boy do I give in easily these days, and for long periods of time.

So I gained weight. Duh! And I’m full of regret. Like many mornings, I woke up saying, “Alexis. You can do this.” And after a long, emotional day, all I wanted to do was come home and comfort myself with junky food and few drinks. It was all I could do to not let myself do that. I finally forced myself to eat on plan. I’m happy to report, it’s almost 9:30pm, I am done with my points for the day, and although I’m still in a pretty crappy mood, I am full, I did my best, and I am proud of myself for bucking up and making myself do what I need to do.

A big shout out to my girls Kelly and Sarah for giving me some moral support earlier today on twitter. After our convo, I realized that I can’t force when my mojo comes back, and that I just need to keep trying, and focus for now on tracking for that day, and not worry about future days or working out for now. Create this one habit again first, then add more in. Well, at least that’s the plan for now! How’s everyone else doing?

Highest Weight: 201.1 lbs
Current Weight: 165.7 lbs
Change Since Last Weigh In: +1.1 lbs
Total Lost: -35.4 lbs
(you can see my entire weight loss log here.)

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Weigh In Wednesday: Where’s That Woosh?

Weigh In WednesdayYou know that woosh? When you just start or you have been off plan for a while, and that first week back you get a big loss?

I haven’t tracked an entire week in I don’t know how long, I didn’t go over points, and after a month of gorging myself on whatever I want, I start eating right, and I lose 0.2 measly pounds?!? I managed to basically maintain for a few months eating horribly half of the time, and this is what I get when I actually try full on?

After contemplating whether or not to cancel my membership with Weight Watchers Online last week, this is hardly the motivation I needed to stick with it, or stick with any plan, for that matter.

I’m just so frustrated. I was so proud of myself for finally getting it together again, which took a lot of dedication and effort, and I got practically nothing. I was really needing that scale to move.

And while I’m frustrated, I’m trying to stay positive here. I know I ate healthier, and I know that is better for my body no matter what the scale says. My blood pressure has been lower the past few days, and I’m sure that is a direct result. Even though I don’t think the body fat measurement on my scale is that accurate, it appears to be going down, and that is good news! And maybe my body is rebounding from all that gorging I did all last month. I also said I am trying not to worry about the number on the scale and just do my best, so I guess I had better do that!

So what do I do now? I choose to continue to be proud of myself and continue to stick to it. Do I stick with Weight Watchers? Well, it might surprise you, but I am going with… yes. It allows me to be accountable, but have a life at the same time. That’s why it worked for me before.

I know this program so well, I could try it on my own, but just this weekend, my boyfriend and I agreed that I need to keep my membership to make it easier on me. Tracking without the eTools and the app would be more tedious and time-consuming and would likely lead me to not doing it at all (I know myself!), and then not eating right again. I know I said I was sick of tracking, but I remember a funny little saying… “sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do.” If I have to track in order to be able to have planned splurges and still be successful, so be it.

And you know, I keep considering other lifestyles, but I am so used to this, that I think it would be difficult for me to go to some other routine, really. So there ya have it. Onward and upward! (or maybe downward… on the scale that is!)

So this weekend, the boyfriend and I are headed up to a cabin in the mountains for a mini-vacay for a little relaxation. Luckily he is wanting to be healthier too, so we won’t blow it out this weekend! And even though I was just off work for the holidays, it’s still all a little hectic, so I could sure use this break from the norm!

So with my weekend getaway and my busy work schedule, you might not hear very much from me in the upcoming days. (Of course, you are probably used to me not being around much!) So have a great week! And wishing a great new week to all my other Weigh In Wednesday peeps!

Highest Weight: 201.1 lbs
Current Weight: 164.6 lbs
Change Since Last Weigh In: -0.2 lbs
Total Lost: -36.5 lbs
(you can see my entire weight loss log here.)

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