Evolution of a Run

I know, I know, I missed my weekly Weigh In Wednesday update. Things are fine. I lost weight. Yay. Maybe I’ll get to that later some other time, but I just had to share some feelings in the moment right now.

I have been hating running a lot lately. Yes. I said that. I’m training to run my first 5K in a year, and most days, I hate running. I don’t want to do it. At. All. I keep wondering when that is going to change. When am I going to enjoy it again?

Well, to be honest, I never really could say “I love running.” It was more how I felt afterward. And I guess I am just not getting those feelings these days.

This time around, the actual physical part of running is more difficult. When I started running for the first time, I had been walking consistently for 6 months and was in pretty good shape, and I was 20 lbs lighter. I also have a previous knee injury that 20 lbs of pressure can make a big difference on.

The first time I tried, I was delighted with how far I could go. This time, I know how far and how much faster I have gone, and I feel defeated by how little I can do. I feel so weak and sore in so many places, I have a hard time getting past it.

Tonight was rather eye opening for me, so I thought I’d share the “evolution” my run. I hadn’t run since last Saturday. I’ve got a little over 2 weeks until the race, and I already had to skip a run this week. It was actually beautiful weather for a run, rather than the sweltering heat that has already engulfed the South. I was hoping it would set my mind straight, but I still had no desire to do it. I just knew I had to, so I made myself get out there.

I had been a little emotional earlier today about other things, and after what felt like only a minute or two of running, what felt like in slow motion, I just started bawling crying. I. HATE. RUNNING.

I hate it! That is all I could think. It was all I could say in my head. I wanted to stop. I wanted to give up. I had no idea why I was continuing to do this to myself. Why am I torturing myself?!? Everything hurts! This isn’t fun! Why did I sign up for the f$%ing race!?!? What am I trying to prove?! I look and feel like I’m dying! I don’t want anyone to see me look so pathetic, and I signed up for a race?!? I HATE THIS!!!

Although I managed to make the crying stop, I continued thoughts like these for a very long time. There were times I felt like I was barely running… more like flopping forward at a snail’s pace. I was dripping beads of sweat, and I was barely passing leisurely walkers. I wanted to stop.

But I didn’t.

I even dropped my phone (I just hold it in my hand) for the first time ever during a run. I was just not with it. I grunted and got angry, and stopped and walked over to it, and walked and whimpered, about to cry again, while I readjusted my music and headphones. I had thoughts of just giving up and walking, but I started running again.

Then there were moments I started saying, you are stronger than this, run faster. So I did here and there. And then there were moments that it wasn’t feeling so hard. And then eventually, I had already gone 2 miles. And because the run had been so horrible, that when I got to the requisite 2.5 miles, I decided I should go further because look how far I had already gone when I thought I couldn’t. I needed to prove to myself that I could do the whole 5K… Even when it sucks.

And I did it. I ran the whole thing… Ok, less the half-minute or so I had to stop for the phone dropping incident. And I even threw in a few “sprints” to try to make up the speed. But the truth of the matter is, I’m not trying to worry about my pace. I’m trying to just finish. And I did.

By the end of my run, it really wasn’t as hard as the first part, and I wasn’t so negative. I wasn’t hating running anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t fall in love with it, but I remembered why I enjoy it. Because it shows me that I can do more than I think I can. I didn’t think I was going to make it through the first mile, or even minute. I may not be physically or mentally as strong as I would like to be, but I have just proven that I am strong enough to persevere. I have proven to myself that I still have determination.

After My RunI was smiling when I was done with that run. It is how I feel afterward. It’s just that sometimes it is hard to remember that when my foot first hits the path. And it doesn’t truly matter how far or fast I go. I have to remember that I am not in competition with anyone else. This is for me.

I know this may sound like a foreign concept for all those out there who are true lovers of running, but maybe this will help that one person that wonders, when will I stop hating this so much? I’ve actually had people ask me that. I asked myself that tonight. For me, it is a love/hate relationship. I often hate doing it, especially at first, but then it gets better, and then when I’m done… I feel stronger. I feel accomplished. I feel proud.


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Weigh In Wednesday: I Think I Can Do Better

Weigh In WednesdayIt appears I am more or less maintaining the last three weeks, rather than actually losing any significant weight. I realize 0.3 lbs is a very small gain this week, but it’s still not the action I want to see. And really, I know I can do better.

The last few weeks I have gone overboard and not tracked a thing on the weekends. Who am I kidding? I did not do that when I was at one time successful at this whole thing. Why do I think it will work now? I was even thinking yesterday, that my motivation and drive is still just not where it was back in 2012. Ok, at least I have some motivation back(!), but quite frankly, it may never be as strong as it was back then, so I have to work with my current mindset, and make sure I am doing better. Blowing it out every weekend is not a good plan!

I have also skipped 5K training a least a day or two each of the last two weeks. Truth be told, I am just not enjoying running. *sigh* But 1) I signed up for this damn race in June and I don’t want to die doing it, and 2) I know that I can put more in my mouth if I run, rather than walk, so I keep trying! LOL I know, “find something you enjoy.” People, I enjoy sitting on my couch! I wish I was like my friends who have come to enjoy working out. I’ve been trying this for years…YEARS! I’m never going to love it, but I have to do it.

But really, this no movement on the scale thing is pissing me off because I looked back on the last 6 months, in which I was not trying at all 99% of the time, and I managed to maintain this same damn weight for most of it! Now I’m trying more often than not, I still work out at least four days a week, as compared to NONE, and I am seeing very little progress.

So, I’m frustrated. But I know the answer. Keep going. Know I am better off. Know I am healthier now even if I don’t physically see it.

And do better on the weekends.

And don’t give up.

Height: 5′ 4″
Highest Weight: 201.1 lbs (6/1/2011)
Current Weight: 164.1 lbs
Change Since Last Weigh In: +0.3 lbs
Total Lost This Year: -8.9 lbs (since 3/23/2015)
All Time Total Lost: -37.0 lbs (since 6/1/2011)
(you can see my entire weight loss log here.)

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Weigh In Wednesday: Definitely Baby Steps

Weigh In Wednesday

So I totally missed my update last week. Usually that means it was a bad week, but really it’s just that life, and Wednesdays in particular, seem to keep getting away from me! I am happy to report I lost 0.7 lbs last week and 0.6 lbs this week!

Ok, of course I wish it it were more! It’s definitely “baby steps.” But I can’t look a loss in the face (well, if it had a face) and be mad at it!

I have to confess, I am having trouble staying entirely on track on the weekends. I also bailed out on my 5K training plans two days this week, but really, that’s nothing. So I took 3 rest days this week… It’s still better than nothing! And I bet I would lose more if I could get my act together, but you know, it’s more about trying my best, than being perfect. Slow and steady (and realistic!) wins the race!

I wish I had time to write more but I have stuff to take care of before bed. I hope to be able to hop around soon to see how everyone else is doing!

Height: 5′ 4″
Highest Weight: 201.1 lbs (6/1/2011)
Current Weight: 163.8 lbs
Change Since Last Weigh In: -0.6 lbs
Total Lost This Year: -9.2 lbs (since 3/23/2015)
All Time Total Lost: -37.3 lbs (since 6/1/2011)
(you can see my entire weight loss log here.)

Posted in My Progress | 2 Comments