So I’ve been absent from my blog again for a while. I thought I’d try to give an explanation of where I have been, but you know I’m not good at being concise! I kind of need to get some things off my chest, in a cathartic way, so I can move on. (Read: thank you, if you read the whole thing!)
The last time I posted, over three months ago, I was thrilled to have pulled out a 10K. It appeared things were on the up and up for me. But right after that, I was hit with more bad news. This year has already been hard enough, and I wasn’t sure I could take any more.
And while there were actually some good times during the last few months, it was mostly difficult. The majority of the time I was not focused on my health or weight loss at all. Mostly I ate and drank whatever I wanted in absurdly large quantities, and I sat on my couch. All I wanted was comfort and to zone out. I took on that mentality of “I’m already suffering enough, so I don’t want to have to suffer through work outs and not eating what I want.”
And at some point over the last few months, I even stopped weighing in on a weekly basis. I had done this religiously, even when I was “bad,” since June 2011. I didn’t want to face what I was doing to myself. And since I rarely tracked any food as well, I was once again paying Weight Watchers money to gain weight.
There were a few times I tried to get back on that wagon, but it never lasted. I said so many times the typical, “I’ll start tomorrow.” I think because I had already started gaining weight back beginning last August, I stopped believing that I could do this anymore. And as of last week’s weigh in, I had officially gained back half of the weight I originally lost.
What was I doing? What happened to healthy me? This wasn’t supposed to happen. I am ashamed. I am mortified. I feel like a failure.
I had stopped caring. I stopped trying. I was sticking my head in the sand and pretending it wasn’t happening. I had turned back into the “fat girl” I used to be. Not at the same weight, but the same mindset. The “who cares, my life sucks, I might as well do what I want, and be fat so I can hide behind it and use that as an excuse for everything” mindset. Avoiding mirrors and social events and dating. Hating clothes shopping again. Not putting on a bathing suit and going to the beach or the pool anymore again. I hate all this about myself, yet I’m the one doing it to myself.
But here’s another revelation. I still don’t love to work out or eat healthy most the time! There, I said it! See, I thought I had changed into this girl who loves to cook fresh foods and run 5Ks, but I easily lost interest. If I never had to cook or run again, I’d be A-Okay! I wish with all my heart that I turned into that girl who fell in love with running or crossfit or Zumba or whatever and can’t live without it, like I see in all these success stories and blogs. I wish I was that girl who became so excited about healthy foods that they now cook all their own meals with only fresh foods all the time. I wish I were those people that poo-pooed the Doritos Loaded when it came out because it is so unhealthy, but the first thing I thought was, get me to a 7-Eleven!
And add to all this being sick of tracking and measuring and constantly thinking about what I am putting in my mouth, and how much is a normal portion, and what is the nutrition value, and when can I fit in my next work out, and how many activity points have I earned, and… yada, yada, yada! I just wanted to spend some time not thinking about any of that… I just wanted to live. Just do what I do and eat what I eat. And I know there are people out there who believe that I don’t have to think about those things… I wish I was that person who grasped the idea of intuitive eating and was able to stop tracking everything and maintain their weight. My emotional eating did not just go away! I still don’t have a “stop, you’re full” button. And I can still eat trans fat filled french fries like it’s my job.
Clearly, my cravings and old habits aren’t just going to disappear, and that is something I have to accept and fight against. And I’ve reached goal before, so I know I am capable, and I know what works for me. Unfortunately, it’s all those things I just said I don’t want to do. But was I absolutely miserable when I was doing those things before? No. Was it super easy? No, but the benefits outweighed that, and it certainly wasn’t torture. Hey, I actually do like some vegetables, remember!?! I just used to be mentally “there,” but the past few months, I have not been.
When life handed me lemons (lots of them!), I did not make lemonade. I made them into cakes and pasta and cocktails and ate them all! Maybe that was the only way I could cope. Maybe I wasn’t ready every time I tried to start again. Frankly, I’m scared that I’m still not. However, I know that I need to be able to face life’s challenges without it affecting my weight so much, and ultimately my health. Eating well and working out helps stress and depression, yet I turned away from it.
So looking back on all this, I know logically that I cannot continue to do this. I am sabotaging myself. I hate the way I look and feel, and I am only hurting myself both physically and emotionally. I will be over 200 pounds again soon if I continue on this path, and I’m sure my health is already suffering.
And then this past week, I was mentally “there” again. Gaining half my weight back may have scared me into it, but if I can stay mentally “there,” I won’t gain any more! Of course, I hate that I’ve gained weight and lost my way for a while, but something can always be learned from a set back. Maybe it will make me really work harder down the road to avoid this happening again. And I learned that I’m still not perfect. And I never was. I know that I was harder on myself when reached goal, which was unrealistic, and that backfired on me. I know that I am not any of those people I wish I could be, and it’s ok. I cannot compare myself to anyone. I am me. I am unique. I know what works for me.
And I had a pretty damn good week! And you know I wasn’t perfect! Think big ol’ burger, drinks, and dessert! But I tracked everything. I got activity in 6 days any way I could. I ate more vegetables and fruits than I have eaten in months. And I lost weight.
Now, I know I keep talking about this “goal weight.” I’ll always weigh myself because it gives me direction. My goal is set only to try to get close to it. But if I never reach it, I don’t care. Just aiming for it keeps me doing what I need to do to be healthier. I’m really trying to be more focused on doing what I can. Eating right as much as I can, and getting activity in as much as I can, while still having a life and without guilt or shame for not being what I think I or anyone else thinks I should be doing! My goal is to get back to the healthier, more in control girl that I had become. Not perfect. Persistent. I need to remember my mantras, rely on my support system (that means you guys too!), and believe in myself again.
(And speaking of guilt… Work and life is actually keeping me pretty busy, so I don’t know how often I’ll be around. I used to guilt myself about that too. So let’s just say, I’ll be around when I can, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love ya and appreciate the heck outta ya! P.S. If you read all the way to the end, you are a trooper!)
~Weigh In Status: 35.4 lbs up from “goal” (you can see my entire weight loss log here.)~